The #metoo tag is an emotion-trigger. For each of us it conjures a slightly different nuance of meaning, memory, frustration or pain. We possibly all hope for something slightly different as we raise our hand to be counted - and heard.
To my surprise, I find myself back in a forgotten (or so I thought) incident from high school. In the grand scheme of things it was tiny. And yet it built within me a belief that I did not have the right to experience fear or disgust or shame over the actions of others.
I remember the look on the teacher’s face when I told him. All the colour drained from his face. He was clearly terrified that I would take it further and that the boys would get into serious trouble for a “silly prank”. “Boys will be boys” was the apologetic message. I hadn’t really been frightened - until then. So I told my friends - female friends. They told me to stop going on about it - boys do stuff like that all the time. Get over it.
The thing is, for me it wasn’t about boys exerting power over girls against their wishes, though of course that mattered. For me it was about the fact that my personal experience - my humanity - was seen as entirely irrelevant. By everyone. I simply did not matter and had no right to claim violation.
My protest was never about assault or gender relations. The reason I found it hard to let the incident go can be summed up in one phrase that has only become more prevalent over time: “Suck it up Princess.” And that’s an attitude of which I strongly suspect we are all guilty, including me. Something outside our own experience can be hard to understand. And so we dismiss it, thus invalidating it. THAT is terrifying.
Thus, when we go to the doctor with something not easy to label we may be considered a hypochondriac, or worse, an “attention-seeker”. When we respond deeply to something that others take in their stride, we are “overreacting “. I’ve done it myself. I do it regularly. I’ve caught myself in the eye roll, the raised eyebrow, the slight giggle. I’ve felt momentarily better by feeling myself morally, emotionally or intellectually superior to another. And then I’ve stopped and felt the goosebumps rise, not always knowing quite why.
There are rules of acceptable and allowable experience and it takes courage or folly to fall outside them. If I were to say #metoo, my story would go something like this:
“I’ve been guilty of denying or diminishing the reality of someone else’s experience, simply because I do not have a frame of reference to understand it. And each time I’ve done that, I’ve discounted them as a human being. I’ve walked over them, violating their trust and their sense of safety. I’d like to stop doing that. Will you help me please?”
To my surprise, I find myself back in a forgotten (or so I thought) incident from high school. In the grand scheme of things it was tiny. And yet it built within me a belief that I did not have the right to experience fear or disgust or shame over the actions of others.
I remember the look on the teacher’s face when I told him. All the colour drained from his face. He was clearly terrified that I would take it further and that the boys would get into serious trouble for a “silly prank”. “Boys will be boys” was the apologetic message. I hadn’t really been frightened - until then. So I told my friends - female friends. They told me to stop going on about it - boys do stuff like that all the time. Get over it.
The thing is, for me it wasn’t about boys exerting power over girls against their wishes, though of course that mattered. For me it was about the fact that my personal experience - my humanity - was seen as entirely irrelevant. By everyone. I simply did not matter and had no right to claim violation.
My protest was never about assault or gender relations. The reason I found it hard to let the incident go can be summed up in one phrase that has only become more prevalent over time: “Suck it up Princess.” And that’s an attitude of which I strongly suspect we are all guilty, including me. Something outside our own experience can be hard to understand. And so we dismiss it, thus invalidating it. THAT is terrifying.
Thus, when we go to the doctor with something not easy to label we may be considered a hypochondriac, or worse, an “attention-seeker”. When we respond deeply to something that others take in their stride, we are “overreacting “. I’ve done it myself. I do it regularly. I’ve caught myself in the eye roll, the raised eyebrow, the slight giggle. I’ve felt momentarily better by feeling myself morally, emotionally or intellectually superior to another. And then I’ve stopped and felt the goosebumps rise, not always knowing quite why.
There are rules of acceptable and allowable experience and it takes courage or folly to fall outside them. If I were to say #metoo, my story would go something like this:
“I’ve been guilty of denying or diminishing the reality of someone else’s experience, simply because I do not have a frame of reference to understand it. And each time I’ve done that, I’ve discounted them as a human being. I’ve walked over them, violating their trust and their sense of safety. I’d like to stop doing that. Will you help me please?”