O u r w h i s p e r e d s e l v e s b e n e a t h c l o s e d e y e s
M i s t e d s h a r d s a g a i n s t t h e s k y
D a r k l y d a r k l y , d a n c i n g s h y
D a r k l y d a r k l y , d a n c i n g s h y
O u r w h i s p e r e d s e l v e s b e n e a t h c l o s e d e y e s M i s t e d s h a r d s a g a i n s t t h e s k y D a r k l y d a r k l y , d a n c i n g s h y
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I dreamt last night that someone had worked out a formula to “re-set” the world. It was a measure of despair and it was considered the ultimate weapon, leading to the extinction of all life. A world killer. Fortunately, the person who discovered it disappeared with the final piece of the formula still missing.
I was one of few present when someone else solved the riddle. He found the final piece and before we could stop him, in a fervour of intellectual triumph he set it all in motion. We waited to die. We didn’t. Instead we watched in amazement as the world slowly brightened. Nothing crumbled into oblivion. Instead, all reached towards growth and beauty and a higher truth. Every being, every thing, turned out to truly matter and to contribute to the essential nature of life. At first we were so stunned by what we saw that we did not notice the changes beginning within ourselves. We too were growing, changing. And it was okay. It felt like falling, it felt like flying. It felt like every change we ever fear, with no known end point. We only knew that we were becoming. In his book, Fate and destiny, Michael Meade suggests that divine purpose is for each individual life to be explored, expressed and lived to its fullest potential in its own uniqueness. It’s a joyous concept. In part, it is frightening, because we know the darkness that lurks, not only “without” but within. We are afraid to allow full expression to all that might arise within us. But it is also a reminder that not only do we matter to the world but that the only true measure of “success” is whether or not we have lived. If the universe, or God, needs the richness of our diversity and lived experience, then we become the eyes and ears, the very being-ness of God. We become Life , growing, learning, expanding. The greatest gift we can offer is our engagement and our willingness to fully know ourselves. Such a choice is an act of courage, one that needs to be renewed in every moment. Deborah Milton, in her blog, The wisdom of not knowing everything, coins the term “creageous”, a compound of “creative” and “courageous”. The word “outrageous” might also sneak its way in there. Life, after all, is an outrageous prospect. If we follow Michael Meade’s precept, then it is our creageous selves that we need to bring to the offering table. Life becomes a great mystery, with clues scattered everywhere. Like the “Hot Potato, Cold Potato” game, our own bodies and minds help us to discern the clues that are only ours to find. Success on anyone else’s terms would be, ironically, a failure to live up to the love that seeks divine expression within us. If we bring our full conscious curiosity to following the clues that truly light us up, no matter how random or transitory they may seem, and if we allow ourselves to fully feel and know our uncensored response to the world, then we can create a grand and deep experiment in the question of being alive. We can all, whatever our circumstances in any moment, seek the courage to know the moment deeply, to our core, recording it in vivid detail within our spirits, responding according to our direction of growth. Whoever we are and wherever we find ourselves, we all have the potential to be divine life, fully lived. Fate and destiny: https://books.google.com.au/books/about/Fate_and_Destiny.html?id=LyB6MAEACAAJ&redir_esc=y The wisdom of not knowing everything: https://awakeningstorylines.com/who-is/ I read the words on my new washi tape: “Daydream - Free Spirit”, the words repeating in an endless loop. I read them, smiled, and felt gravity tug at me ungently. It was in that moment that I first understood the strange connection in my mind between dreams and immobility.
In my mind, it seems, dreams have become synonymous with stillness. Not the stillness of peace, but the stillness of incapacity. I have made a virtue of immobility as a form of protection against the often overwhelming chaos of everyday life. My response to challenge has been to opt out, to withdraw. And so I have literally attracted immobility to myself. As I thought of daydreaming this morning, my instant reaction was to think of food. Food and books and TV. Solitude, hunched over itself, protecting itself from the outside world. I thought of that even as I reached instead towards an aspirational yoga asana, as I struggled to hold some of my own weight in my arms. And I set myself a new goal, a new vision, one that involves bringing my dreams into my body and into my life. I’ve discovered something astonishing within myself: a fear of success. It pervades every aspect of my life, from health to career to finance. Until the other day I would have told you that I don’t understand the whole “fear of success” concept. I guess it’s a bit like looking at your own back: a little hard to see.
To provide just one example of the pattern I’ve recognised, I remember two separate occasions when I chose Weight Watchers for my weight loss journey. When I started out I loved the fact that their magazine cover models were “success” stories of any age. No matter that I wasn’t young and beautiful, I too could have the fun of trying out to be a “cover girl”. Why not? I asked myself. It would be fun just entering and would be a fabulous experience if I were successful. Most of all, it would be a great affirmation of my journey. So I thought when I began the journey - twice. But both times, when I actually reached my goal, I no longer wanted to be a cover girl. I told myself I didn’t want to show off, which is a laudable reason. Trouble is, that’s not all I no longer wanted. All those wonderful clothing boutiques I promised myself I would visit once I reached my goal? I no longer wanted to enter them. Truth to tell, they seemed entirely desirable whilst unattainable, but as soon as I could actually go in, I felt way too guilty. I hated the idea of shopping in a place that not every person could shop. It wasn’t even about the money; it was about feeling bad buying clothes that a larger person could not buy. It turns out that being a “have not” is a whole lot easier than being a “have”. In every way. I suspect there are a few reasons for that, and it will take me a while to coax them out of hiding. I am, I discover, devilishly clever at the self sabotage required to keep myself within my low-level comfort zone. There’s just one problem: I think my comfort zone is about to be challenged... The desire to squeeze into a life that isn’t ours can be powerful, can’t it? It takes hold of us in subtle and unsubtle ways, seducing us with promises of success and happiness. The line between living “our best life” and coveting someone else’s can become very, very blurred. We cross the boundary with effortless ease, only discovering our mistake when we find ourselves lonely amidst our “success”, unaccountably homesick. Strangely, once we squeeze into that other life, success rarely feels the way we thought and hoped it might.
For me, the hardest part can sometimes be the realisation that this life is not mine and never was. It’s not that I want it so particularly badly, truth be told, but that I want the idea of it. I somehow feel that I would be more “real, more “solid”, if I had a label I could confidently pin on myself. Oh the irony of seeking a unique identity outside myself! The challenge is to feel at home in the world. Yes, there have been times when I have wanted to “fit”, but that’s only a small part of it. I live, to a very great extent, inside my head, and I struggle to deal with a physical, tangible world. Left to my own devices, I would happily lose myself in dreams and story, never seeking the way home. If I have sought identities already forged by others it is because I have been trying to work out how one does this “life” thing with any solid, measurable being. Now, as I seek to re-engage with life and find myself within it, I discover that what I am really seeking is the means to give physical expression to my secret, magical inner world. It’s about being as much at home in my body as in my mind. It is a scary and daunting proposition but also a surprisingly exciting one. Rather than retreating into my world, can I create it right here and now, real and solid to the touch? |
Introduction
"Only that day dawns to which we are awake," wrote Thoreau. This blog, in words and pictures, is my attempt to be awake: to be alive to the mystery of life. It is an exercise in gratitude and wonder, and an open invitation to beauty. Archives
May 2019
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