I’ve discovered something astonishing within myself: a fear of success. It pervades every aspect of my life, from health to career to finance. Until the other day I would have told you that I don’t understand the whole “fear of success” concept. I guess it’s a bit like looking at your own back: a little hard to see.
To provide just one example of the pattern I’ve recognised, I remember two separate occasions when I chose Weight Watchers for my weight loss journey. When I started out I loved the fact that their magazine cover models were “success” stories of any age. No matter that I wasn’t young and beautiful, I too could have the fun of trying out to be a “cover girl”. Why not? I asked myself. It would be fun just entering and would be a fabulous experience if I were successful. Most of all, it would be a great affirmation of my journey.
So I thought when I began the journey - twice. But both times, when I actually reached my goal, I no longer wanted to be a cover girl. I told myself I didn’t want to show off, which is a laudable reason. Trouble is, that’s not all I no longer wanted. All those wonderful clothing boutiques I promised myself I would visit once I reached my goal? I no longer wanted to enter them. Truth to tell, they seemed entirely desirable whilst unattainable, but as soon as I could actually go in, I felt way too guilty. I hated the idea of shopping in a place that not every person could shop. It wasn’t even about the money; it was about feeling bad buying clothes that a larger person could not buy.
It turns out that being a “have not” is a whole lot easier than being a “have”. In every way. I suspect there are a few reasons for that, and it will take me a while to coax them out of hiding. I am, I discover, devilishly clever at the self sabotage required to keep myself within my low-level comfort zone. There’s just one problem: I think my comfort zone is about to be challenged...
To provide just one example of the pattern I’ve recognised, I remember two separate occasions when I chose Weight Watchers for my weight loss journey. When I started out I loved the fact that their magazine cover models were “success” stories of any age. No matter that I wasn’t young and beautiful, I too could have the fun of trying out to be a “cover girl”. Why not? I asked myself. It would be fun just entering and would be a fabulous experience if I were successful. Most of all, it would be a great affirmation of my journey.
So I thought when I began the journey - twice. But both times, when I actually reached my goal, I no longer wanted to be a cover girl. I told myself I didn’t want to show off, which is a laudable reason. Trouble is, that’s not all I no longer wanted. All those wonderful clothing boutiques I promised myself I would visit once I reached my goal? I no longer wanted to enter them. Truth to tell, they seemed entirely desirable whilst unattainable, but as soon as I could actually go in, I felt way too guilty. I hated the idea of shopping in a place that not every person could shop. It wasn’t even about the money; it was about feeling bad buying clothes that a larger person could not buy.
It turns out that being a “have not” is a whole lot easier than being a “have”. In every way. I suspect there are a few reasons for that, and it will take me a while to coax them out of hiding. I am, I discover, devilishly clever at the self sabotage required to keep myself within my low-level comfort zone. There’s just one problem: I think my comfort zone is about to be challenged...