I was defeated, not by ego or self doubt or unrealistic expectations, but by my own nature, that calls to introspection, dreams and imaginary worlds. I fought with great ambivalence for many years, uncertain who or what the "enemy" may be, before finally I recognised that the one true obstacle was the one I had no heart to conquer.
And only in accepting this truth about myself and knowing myself to be the "anti-hero" of my own life have I found a way to move and breathe forward into freedom. There is no arrival, but there is acceptance. There is magic, excitement and discovery. And yes, there is that thing I was taught should not be possible except through devotion to others: there is joy.